I have been walking a spiritual path for many years now. Though my awakening happened over a decade ago, Spirit has always been by my side. In this life, and in many others.
I choose this Life to be the most challenging of all.
This choice and its consequences are still revealing themselves. I have had a myriad of moments where this Life has led me down to my knees, tears abundantly flowing down my face, with the question “why” on my lips.
All of these moments of intense despair have led me to question this Life, and I have given into the darkness, the despair and grief on numerous occasions. I've experienced feeling hopeless, broken, isolated and crushed by this existence, by Life itself.
Life is a gift, so they say, but what they don’t say is that it is riddled with difficulty, hardship, challenge and heartache. What’s more, it’s full of soul ache. My soul aches for home. It aches for the place where it belongs. Where there is an abundance of love, light, happiness and joy for all beings who dwell there.
Earth is not that place. Not yet. And that is why we are here.
Earth is not easy. The energy is dense and the lightest of souls find the climate harsh, I know I do.
When the question “why” arises within me, I know it’s because Earth herself is seeking to deepen my connection to her. She has requested my presence and I, along with countless others, have answered the call. We chose to be here. We chose to assist Gaia on her ascension journey.
Having had a moment of deep despair earlier this week, I realized that I was judging myself for having such a hard time being human. I was judging the fact that my soul seems to have an aversion to being human and has not been enjoying this Life. I miss home. I miss being free. I miss being light.
And so this despair dragged me to its bottom once more. There, I cried, I slept. I rested. The following day was similar. More tears. More rest. I soon realized that I had to be present with all of these energies because they were calling for my attention. I realized that I was judging myself for being in this energy rather than giving myself tender compassion and love.
My sister sent me a reel a day later saying that dark shadows come up to be loved, not suppressed, judged or hated. In that moment, I realized that despair had come up for me to love her, like I had loved so many others. This shifted my perspective.
During my journey with despair, I felt cut off from Spirit. More than that, I choose to cut myself off. I was angry. I was upset. I was frustrated. I didn’t want Spirit speaking to me. I was so angry with Life. So I isolated in my cocoon. I allowed all of my emotions to flow. I tried my best not to judge myself.
And it snowed.
The universe knows how much I love snow and how I always see it as a sign of abundance. It snowed everyday since my initial breakdown. I knew it was the universe trying to cheer me up.
Yesterday, I went for a walk in the snow and marveled at the glitter falling from the heavens, the snowflakes.
I took my time and observed their intricacies and how beautiful they are. Each snowflake is unique and glimmers like a jewel in the light.
I stood and contemplated this beauty for a while. I looked and each snowflake that fell on my jacket closely, noticing how different it is from the last and how they are an example of ethereal magnificence made manifest.
These snowflakes cheered me up, how beautiful!
Today on my drive home, I understood why I felt cut off from Spirit in my despair (and why this experience kept happening). This disconnection ultimately happens to recalibrate and strengthen my connection with Spirit.
I needed this disconnect to rest, contemplate, reflect, process, feel to eventually be connected again, my faith and belief revitalized and renewed.
I didn’t understand this loop, this reoccurring pattern until today. The realization brought tears to my eyes. How much the Universe and Spirit love me!
Every time I’ve had moments of deep grief and despair; intense energies needed to be witnessed and felt. And every time I allowed myself to do this, the energies eventually cleared.
I understood today, more than ever, that when a violent storm is raging, it simply needs more love. No judgement. No reservation. Simple love and to be witnessed.
Despair came knocking once more for me to understand how deep my connection to Spirit, the Cosmos, the Universe truly is. This deepening with Spirit will be Lifelong. And it makes sense that a temporary disconnect is occasionally needed so that our connection may be recalibrated and ultimately strengthened from where it was before.
I understand that now.
I understand that there will be moments of deep disconnect. Despair will probably come knocking again and she will be seeking my love. She will be seeking solace in my embrace.
And I will be waiting for her with tender, wide open arms.
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