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I am in my dark feminine era 2.0

I wrote the my first post about being in my dark feminine era back in April after doing a second boudoir photoshoot. This second photoshoot meant a lot to me because I felt that I was truly revealing my real sense of self for the very first time...

Now I had done a boudoir photoshoot the year before where I was completely nude. I loved this photoshoot. I felt so liberated, wild and free. The pictures turned out amazing. But the vibe was completely different...

This first photoshoot that I did was soft, feminine, sensual, and gentle…. I was turning 30 at the time and I was entering into my Empress year (3+0= 3). I loved this experience and still absolutely love these pictures. They represent me leaving my 20s behind and stepping into my 30s with an open heart. They symbolize the end of an era and the start of a completely new chapter: my 30s. But they just don’t do my energy justice.

Fast forward to this past April, I went full dark femme.

This was a power photoshoot for me. Nothing about this photoshoot was gentle or soft. It was pure, raw, dark femme energy through and through from my hair and makeup to the lingerie I chose. I felt powerful af in this photoshoot. Fuck, I exuded power. AND I LOVED IT.

The whole process was amazing and the pictures… My gaaawwwwdddd. I was completely brought to tears. I was blown away by my beauty, by my presence and by my bad ass energy. These pictures showcased ME and how I truly FELT inside and how I personally have always viewed myself.

I had been on an empowerment journey for some time and this photoshoot was the culmination of this journey: I had arrived.

Things had been shifting a lot up until that point. I had turned 31 back in January and had entered into my Emperor year (3+1=4). The energy had become more externally focused and driven. I felt more divine authority and leadership activate within me. I became fiercer, bolder, more outspoken and expressive. I started implementing boundaries right left and center, clearing out people that had been using me and feeding off my energy.

This shift took a lot of getting used to. I’m the girl that a lot of people used to walk all over. I’m the girl that people used to use for their own gain and agendas. And being overly “nice” and not knowing how to set boundaries, I would comply and burn myself out. My whole life had pretty much been like that because I didn’t know how to use my voice to say no. I didn’t know what boundaries where and how to even create nor implement them. I didn’t have a clue.

But the year 2023 changed things radically. I changed radically. A new sense of power and leadership began fueling me and coursing through my veins. I knew this was my inner emperor awakening after years of slumber.

I had done the inner work to call in my inner feminine, cultivate compassion, gentleness and kindness. Now it was time to learn to set boundaries like a boss, cultivate more self-respect and take radical ownership of my life.

This took some time. There was a lot of trial and error. I messed up setting boundaries in the first few tries; I wasn’t clear enough with my boundary, or I struggled to effectively communicate it. I had to face subconscious fears that were coming to the surface too: what if people don’t like me after I set a boundary? What if they reject me? Mock me or ridicule me? As I reflected on all these fears, I realized that setting boundaries never had anything to do with them. It had everything to do with me and how I wanted to feel.

I had always been sooo hyper focus on the other that I would neglect my own feelings, needs and wants. I was a people pleaser through and through. I just didn’t know how to put my foot down.

So the first few times were really messy.

I still had moments where I would blame myself initially for things going awry but then I would reflect, realize that it wasn’t me (a line was indeed being crossed) and I would come back and try to reassert a boundary yet again. The outcome of the situation was never what mattered to me. What mattered to me was me expressing myself. What mattered was me being willing to show up differently for my own betterment and wellbeing.

So I persisted and kept at it.

Every time I would need to set a boundary with someone (and I got loads of opportunities), I would express what I didn’t like and what the changed behavior needed to be for me to pursue and maintain the connection. Then I would wait and see if my boundary would be honored and respected.

When it wouldn’t be honored nor respected, I would revisit how I had expressed myself. Was I as clear as I could be? Did I communicate my feelings adequately?

If the answer was no, I would reiterate my boundary with more clarity. I would make sure that how I was being made to feel was explicitly and abundantly clear. Then I would see how things would unfold.

In numerous instances, my second boundary, now crystal clear, would still not be respected and I would then follow through to block and delete the person in question. (Note I would tell the people as I was setting the boundary that if they didn’t respect it, I would move to block and delete them. So they knew).

I had to hold myself accountable. I couldn’t keep giving people chances after chances after chances when they kept on screwing up and hurting me.

That was the crux of the issue I realized; not setting boundaries was hurting me. I had lived a life where people were hurting me by not respecting me and I had somehow been ok with this because deep down I didn’t think I was worthy of respect.

Not anymore though. Enough was enough.

I had been overly kind, compassionate and understanding with others yet kept being taking advantage of for these attributes. I also realized that I had been denying myself this same compassion and kindness.

So I put my foot down. I tightened up my boundaries HARD. I always gave people 2 chances. I dropped it to one.

My responsibility in this was to ensure that my boundaries were crystal clear, and that there would be no room for misunderstanding. As long as I did that, if the other person decided to cross that line, they were then consequentially removed from my life.

I’ve been soo much happier since. Yes this has been an adjustment, but I just don’t tolerate bs anymore.

I used to tolerate a lot of because I thought I had too. I wanted to be “nice” and keep the “peace” all the while I was fucking things up internally for myself.

Not anymore.

Now I set boundaries. I communicate. I have hard, difficult, painful conversations even if fear is deeply present, my voice shakes, and my breath gets caught in my throat.

I communicate and I express myself because I deserve to be heard. I communicate and express because I deserve to be listening to and respected.

I communicate and express because I matter. My emotions, my feelings, they matter.

I took me a long ass time to learn all this. It’s still a work in progress on some days. But the point is, I have shifted and transitioned into more of my inner power.

Setting boundaries has become almost effortless. Caring about myself has become one of my greatest joys. Making sure I feel happy, content, seen, heard, supported in my relationships has also become a pillar in my life.

I value myself and ensure that my close relationships reflect this same value. If they don’t, I communicate and set a boundary. Either the relationship dynamics shifts so that we both become in alignment with our values and how we see ourselves, or it doesn’t, and it falls out of my life.

Either way, I’ve been happier. I’ve felt freer. I’ve felt more powerful.

All this because I’ve allowed my empowerment to shine through and blossom.

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